I think a lot and I plan a lot. I have a bag packed with 2 weeks worth of my clothes. It is ready for me to leave if I get sick and go away into quarantine. It is ready for me to have clothes if my husband gets sick and has to be quarantined at home – our bedroom is the only appropriate room to do that in so I need to have things available without going into that room. My mind is constant. So this was a morning recently. Do you also have a mind that won’t quit?
This morning I woke up and stared at the ceiling and thought today I can’t. I reached over and laid my hand on husband’s back knowing we would need to get up soon. And again, I thought today I can’t.
Today I can’t spend another day trying to understand the mysteries of unemployment and wonder if I should be trying to find another job. Weighing which of these will benefit us more. Weighing whether getting out of the house for a job and risking getting sick is better than staying at home and going stir crazy. Weighing how long this other job would last, will I be back to my business and massaging at the end of the month or will it be 3.
Today I can’t spend another day inside sitting in front of the computer scrolling and refreshing Facebook, reading the news articles trying to better understand this monster because knowledge is power – or so I always thought, listening to governors give their updates helplessly trying to reassure all of us, watching the numbers.
Today I can’t spend another day with the weight of all the finances sitting on my shoulders trying to figure out how to pay for things, looking at the numbers, adding them up and thinking if I had just had a little more time to clean up this bill or pay for that or save…I was so close to having something stable after a year of school.
Today I can’t spend another day eating apples and cheese and soda crackers for lunch because I know I need to eat and that is the only thing that my body seems to want. It is the one thing that doesn’t make me feel nauseous from the butterflies that are constantly battling in my stomach. Maybe an apple a day will keep the doctor away.
Today I can’t spend another day wondering how everyone is. And this is big. Wondering if my children are okay and staying safe. Wondering if my husband is okay today at work and I know he is staying safe – but there is everyone else around him. Wondering who I know that won’t come out on the other side of this. Wondering how we will let people know if one of our friends or loved ones doesn’t survive. Wondering if anyone will let me know. Wondering who I will never see again.
Today I can’t spend another day cleaning house and doing laundry and putting it away like everything is normal. Doing dishes and making beds like it is just a day off to catch up with house chores.
Today I can’t spend another day thinking about what is next. What if one of us gets sick? How do we manage a quarantine in the house? Which room do we use? How much notice will we have if someone gets coronavirus and starts to crash? Which hospital has the most ICU beds? Will they be available? What do we do if one of us does not survive?
Today I can’t spend another day trying to understand how we get out of this. Looking at the numbers seeing them slowly, slowly change in most places. Understanding that although we talk about a peak the reality will be more like a wide plateau. Small numbers over a longer period of time that keeps healthcare from being completely overwhelmed. I can’t see an end. I don’t know that anyone can.
I rub my hand over my husband’s back slowly and gently waking him up…today is another day. I get up with him and watch him get ready for work. I give him a hug and kiss good-bye. Tell him “I love you, stay safe” and I will spend another day. Hugs.